The Best Meat in the Universe

“Well we’re in it now.” I said, watching the Holo-screen zoom in on the seven vessels approaching at speed. “Mr. Leighton! Any idea who our new friends are?”

“The Macenion database does not have these silhouettes on file sir!” Leighton shot back immediately. “And there aren’t any known species near the breach either sir, I think we have an unknown.”

“Understood Mr. Leighton. Please see what you can find anyway. Go by similar shape and keep me apprised of what you find.”

“Yes sir.” He said, chastened.

“Ms. Maya, please broadcast a request for communication on all channels and inform the Laurenth and the Gamnon to drop shields. They should be prepared for a quick escape in case things go badly. Mr. Kinman, please do the same.” Two ‘yes sirs’ and it was accomplished. In the screen the saucers slowed, they must be in weapons range now I thought. “Mr. Leighton! Mark 6370 as maximum weapons range and refine the search!”

“Sir!” Ms. Maya called out. “We’re getting a response on Frequency 7829.3”

“Note that frequency Mr. Leighton! Ms. Maya please send them a salutation. Loadout 3.” The third loadout program was designed for close extraterrestrial allies. A little presumptive perhaps, but it gave the right impression.

The response came quickly as the saucers slowed to a stop in a loose formation. In a low, gravelly voice the response came. “Yellow, she far Captain’s. New far Hunans? Moo new half Beef?” I looked over at the Ms. Maya the communications officer. Her confusion mirrored mine. “That definitely sounds like stark…” I said slowly.

“Yes sir, it’s definitely some species that has heard our language before. Sounds like they have some trouble speaking it. Do you have a response?”

“Hmm… Go ahead.” With a soft click the voice translator activated. “Greetings star travelers. I am Admiral Taggert of the Yismirgh. May I ask your purpose in the Breach?”

The response was slow in coming. “I pam Leader Skalp shove D Spacerover Fido. Bee comb in Earth shove Beef. Moo new half many charade?” There was a moment of silence while the command deck digested this before: “ Pay we comb meat new?” I looked to Ms. Maya who shrugged.

“Sir. It sounded a bit like ‘may we come meet you’ to me.”

“Are you certain Mr. Leighton?” Put on the spot he quailed, and stuttered a bit. “Ms. Maya?”

“It could be sir. We know they know some Stark, they could just be massively mispronouncing words. I expect they’d understand a simple yes. “

“Hmmm… And body language might help. Inform the Laurenth and the Gamnon that we will be entertaining visitors and to stay on alert. Ms. Maya, please relate a ‘Yes please come’ to our friends out there.”

“Will do sir. The Gamnon sends a message that this is a bad idea. They have been listening.”

“Noted. Send the message. ” The message away, the result came almost immediately. A small saucer dropped from the foremost ship and slowly traversed the distance between us. Far too slow to be a projectile attack.

“Sir! The Gamnon has another message for you, on the direct laser transmission. They say it’s urgent!”

Hmmm. I looked to Ms. Ferro, my first officer, and nodded. She turned and left the bridge without a word. “I’ll take the message in my office immediately.”

Safely ensconced in my office I turned to the large screen that already showed Captain Nesmith’s worried face. He started immediately. “Admiral, I fear you are in terrible danger! Those aliens aren’t coming on board to talk with you; they are there to eat you!”

“What?” I asked, flabbergasted.

“They are a species known as the Calpains. They were identified as one of the species that found earth before we perfected spaceflight. The old UFOs!”

My blood went cold. But I had to be sure. “How do you know this? What information do you have?”

“My lieutenant studied early history and believes strongly in his conclusion.”

“But it didn’t show in the Macenion archive.” I argued.

“These are older ships, ancient ones. These ARE the old UFOs!”

“Good enough for me. Extend shields and link with the Laurenth. I’ll deal with this boarding party.” Barely pausing, I pressed the intercom link. “Ferro! Beware, the party is hostile!”

An almost immediate reply came back. “Sir! They broke through the line! They have invaded the ship! I couldn’t stop them!” My blood iced over. The hold was far too close to the bridge for my liking. I turned toward the door to the bridge and rushed forward, hearing a sharp impact in the room outside. No! I burst through the door and kicked out, smashing Mr. Leighton directly in the face as he bent to retrieve a clipboard he had dropped before the door.

“Captain!”

Confused for a second I glanced around the bridge, my mind conjuring alien phantasms from the air. They hadn’t reached the bridge yet.

“We have boarders!” I shouted. “All hands to battle stations! Mr. Ingersol, please gather your men then follow me. Seal off the bridge!”

Wielding my trusty Gatlain_tm I charged out into the secondary deck. Immediately I noted the intruders. What looked like at least six tall, short furred and spotted humanoids loped across a hallway, disappearing around the corner. Not headed to the bridge, must be the engine; they could cripple the ship! With a choice swear I charged after them turning the corner as the last of them disappeared into a large set of double doors off the hallway. What were they doing? That hall ended in the Officer’s Mess.

Turning the corner I came upon a scene of absolute carnage. A full dozen of the seven foot tall slavering coyote-men tore hungrily into their captured food. Droplets of red spittle flew with each bite. Screams echoed about the room, magnifying the din as the savage beast-men gobbled down every hamburger and handful of taco meat in sight. The closest turned to me, rare burger meat dropping in small chunks from his mouth.

“I’m so sorry. We couldn’t control ourselves.” It spoke, and then swallowed. “Beeeeef…” It said, practically moaning. “The Best Meat in the Universe.”