Mwahahahahaha!!!

Mwahahahahaha! Fool! Did you really think that all these obstacles would have stopped ME?!?!?

I am terror, I am evil genius incarnate! You noble hero, who tried vainly to thwart my every turn must now watch as I feast upon the prize I have worked so long to attain. What was yours is now mine, and I can already feel its virtue inside me. I gain strength as you watch me devour that which you once called your own.

Your feeble attempts at evading me, distracting me from my goal are proven worthless; nothing you have done has even given me pause! The twisting maze you formed in your mind to defy me was simplicity itself. The barriers were simple to climb, allowing me to slip easily though the nets you thought to capture me in. You weak minded fool, did you really think that such walls might stop me?

And your silly attempts to disrupt my purpose were pathetic. Sweet scents, seeking to pull my nose away from the true prize. I did not fall for such ploys; no offering could have taken the place of my prize. Even in the greatest profusion, you could not pull me away from completing my ultimate plan.

Even your threats and shadows, and wildest assaults, could not stop my progress. Nothing in your infantile experience could hope to stop me. The smell of a predator in the darkness gave me no fear, nor did the angry display of power that you attempted to mete out on me. I was, and am, far too quick for you.

With all of your labyrinthine twists and turns you had hoped to lead me astray. Stupid. The false clues and fake trails you laid for me to follow were ignored outright, and no hidden turns or twists went undiscovered. You imagined that your convoluted maze of defenses could slow me down, and keep me from my prize. You were wrong.

It was your swift judgment of me that doomed you; a weakness of character that you have so often demonstrated. All of your greatest endeavors to thwart me fail as you are incapable of recognizing the one simple truth: I am your better. Your greatest creation withered before me as the barriers that you placed between me and your greatest treasure crumbled, only waiting to pass on your secrets as they ushered me on my way. You never gave me credit, and that was your undoing.

At last the prize is mine to devour, the luscious taste of your impotence blazes inside me. I have your treasure now, in my grasp, its glory filling my being. You tried to fool me. You tried to stop me. You tried to lead me astray. But it is now mine. Truly mine. Mine in such a way that you may never recover it. Never feel its presence grace your being again.

Truly you are a fool.

And I?

I am a GOD.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Hey Wilson?”

“Yeah?”

“What is that noise?”

“It's that little demon rat. It’s been squeaking like that since it got a hold of the cheese.”

“What, you mean it got through your maze?”

“Yeah, like it wasn’t even there. *sigh* So much for my promotion.”

“Not sure how anyone could do better. I mean this one had the works right?”

“Yeah, my maze had multiple levels, honey, dead ends, fake walls that lead to dead ends, wolf urine, rat gore, fake cheese, rotten cheese, and the remains of the other seven mice I sent through to test it. I had deadfalls primed on levers slimed with peanut butter. I had passages that doubled back upon each other. I had a secret door with cheese spray smeared on a pane of glass linked to a flamethrower. He didn’t even try the panel. I even had that last pivotal hallway full of slicing blades; he should never have made it through. But the little rat bastard just up and ran over the wall! God it makes me so pissed! Nothing seemed to deter that damn rat!”

“Mouse.”

“I know its just a mouse! I just… *sigh* He made a fool of me. A freaking mouse, made a fool out of Me. You know how that will look? What am I supposed to do?”

“I’m not even sure how he managed it. I mean, he’s just a common white mouse. One of a million others we’re working with. I’ve seen his MRI, nothing supernatural, or even unusual about him. I’ve seen hundreds exactly like him fail to make it through a barely complex maze.”

“It’s a travesty I know. He’s the only one I’ve never been able to stop. I just hate the little god-damn villain. I think the next cheese will be poisoned.”

“Heh, let’s see him squeak his way out of that.”

End.

The 6023 Kilometer Trek

Sometimes, traveling 6022 kilometers home just isn’t far enough, and life makes you go 6023 instead.

I spent a year getting a degree in a Welsh University in a little town called Trefforest, north of the capital of Wales: Cardiff. During the winter, when it came to be Christmas time, I was headed home to America. Two days in advance, I packed my bags, two large rolling suitcases and a full-to-the-brim backpack to boot. The night before, I had all my plans set. I had a ticket for the train to the bus station, a ticket for the bus ride to Heathrow Airport in London, and a ticket for the plane ride through Philadelphia to North Carolina and Home. I placed my tickets and my passport on my desk, prepared to get up and go the next morning.

And get up and go I did. I awoke far earlier than is my norm, carried my luggage out and locked the door behind me. Placing my keys securely in my backpack I headed down the hill with two full hours of leeway time. Now for those of you who have never traveled to Wales, the Welsh valleys literally have walls at 45 degree angles, which steepen further the higher you go. The University is located on one of these walls and my dorm in particular is located at quite nearly the highest habitable ledge on these monstrous valley walls. So I step from my dorm and make the trek one last time down the hill.

Up the stairs out of my building,
Down the 16 top stairs,
Down the 12 long stairs,
Down the curving access road,
Down the 32 curving stairs,
Down the 24 Cafeteria Stairs,
Across the Café Quad,
Down the 13 Library Stairs,
Down the Library Back Road,
Through the Gate into Treforrest,
Down Trefforest Road,
Down the Train Station Road and,
Over the Station Overpass.

I’m finally down at the train station with a good hour and thirty five minutes of leeway and I check my pockets. My heart stops, and then immediately starts back up, triple-time. You guessed it; I left my tickets and my passport in my dorm room. Freaking out just a little, I ran as fast as I could lug my suitcases.

Back over the Station Overpass,
Up the Train Station Road,
Up Trefforest Road,
And back through the Gate to campus.

Assured by my heaving chest that I would be unable to run all the way back up the hill with my suitcases in anything resembling adequate time, I visited the Foreign Student Union where the very nice and helpful ladies who ran the place were able to hold my two mammoth suitcases and my backpack while I ran back to get my important documents.

Up the Library Back Road,
Up the 13 Library Stairs,
Across the Café Quad,
Up the 24 Cafeteria Stairs,
Up the 32 curving stairs,
Up the curving access road,
Up the 12 long stairs,
Up the 16 top stairs and,
Down the stairs into my building.

Huffing and puffing but relatively okay, I get to my door and check the time, I have 60 minutes of leeway time, I’m still okay. I reach into my pocket and find, to my inescapable horror, that my keys are located in my backpack. At the bottom of the hill. Truly frenzied now I turn about.

Up the stairs out of my building,
Down the 16 top stairs,
Down the 12 long stairs,
Down the curving access road,
Down the 32 curving stairs,
Down the 24 Cafeteria stairs,
Across the Café Quad,
Down the 13 Library Stairs,
Down the Library Back Road and back,
To the Foreign Student Union near the Gate,

Unable to properly breathe, I tugged my keys from my backpack and lunged off once again. 40 minutes of leeway time left.

Up the Library Back Road again,
Up the 13 Library Stairs again,
Across the Café Quad again,
Up the 24 Cafeteria Stairs again,
Up the 32 curving stairs again,
Up the curving access road again,
Up the 12 long stairs again,
Up the 16 top stairs again,
Down the stairs into my building.
Again.

I open my door and swipe my passport from my desk, stuff my tickets into a pocket and run. 15 minutes of leeway time left.

Up the stairs out of my building again,
Down the 16 top stairs again,
Down the 12 long stairs again,
Down the curving access road again,
Down the 32 curving stairs again,
Down the 24 Cafeteria Stairs again,
Across the Café Quad again,
Down the 13 Library Stairs again,
Down the Library Back Road again,
To the Foreign Student Union near the Gate.

I step in, a horrible wreck. Grasp my bags, give a barely audible farewell and charge out the door. Lungs on fire. No time left.

Through the Gate into Treforrest,
Down Trefforest Road,
Down the Train Station Road,
Over the Station Overpass and finally,
To the train.

I am 10 minutes late. The train has left. Taking off my jacket my torso literally steams in the cold air. My lungs must really be on fire. I do my best not to collapse while I try to figure out how to salvage this. The last train from Cardiff has left 3 hours ago, I can't get to Heathrow by Train. I'll just hope to find a bus route that will get me there on time. This really feels like it can't get worse.

I grab the next train and get to the bus terminal. 30 solid minutes after departure time, I step out into the bus terminal and find myself staring at my bus, sitting calmly at the curb. The driver steps out as I shamble disbelievingly up and says “Are you Stephen? We were hoping you would come.”

The UK and I have a Love/Hate Relationship it seems.

Excerpt from a Hawaiian Newspaper